It is time for that date, and not just any date!
It is time to sit down with your spouse or your kids, or your neighbours – okay, maybe not your neighbours quite yet – and start talking money. Money can be an inflammable topic that we want to avoid at all costs, but avoidance will not make money issues go away.
Kindness, Financial Dates and the Obvious
Having financial discussions has not always come easy to David and me. At the beginning of our marriage, David gave the handling of money to me. It worked for the most part, but within the last decade we have made changes by pursuing intentional financial conversation together. We are learning to have healthy, productive, conversations with one another, sharing goals and dreams, and making plans to get there, financially.
After 25 years of marriage, we are both glad we have made this change. It has removed stress and has strengthened our relationship. I no longer carry the responsibility for the running of our day-to-day finances, nor do I care to. It is freeing to share the load and have a common purpose.
FACE it with a financial date and put it on the calendar
We know that financial awareness creates empowerment – FACE! So facing your finances together is the first intentional choice you will make in your communication journey. Setting a time for a regular financial date is a part of that as well. At the start, we recommend a weekly half-hour to an hour time slot. As you learn to talk and plan, and process your financial journey, those meetings might become shorter and happen less often. But even after 10 years, David and I have found that they become essential in our marriage and family life. So set that date!
Know Yourself
Becoming financially aware means you will start to learn about yourself, and your relationship to money. Knowing yourself will help you communicate with your spouse, your friends, and even your children, about why you think and act the way you do regarding money. For instance, a woman I know, explained to me that she bought a lot of clothes as an adult because in her childhood she felt she could never ask for new clothes. She wore handmade clothes and hand-me-downs. Having new clothes was something special. She is also someone who loves to look good, and she has a real knack for knowing what looks good on herself and others. She would be a great personal shopper! This realization about clothes and spending has now helped her stop overspending on her wardrobe. She asks herself different questions about what she desires, instead of not asking herself questions at all.
Here are Some Questions to Get You Thinking
- Where do I come from financially?
- What is my money story? What do I remember about money and what my parents taught me? How does that affect my relationship with money today?
- What kind of communicator am I? Do I love to listen? Talk? Both? Am I an inside or outside processor of information and emotion?
- Do I get overwhelmed talking about money? Why do you think that is?
- Why do I spend or overspend money on the things or experiences I do?
Know Your Spouse and Others You are Close To
Knowing yourself and forgiving yourself opens your heart and mind up to other people and their own money stories. With compassionate understanding of yourself, you are able to ask the same questions of others that you have asked yourself. You are not learning or communicating about money with others to tear them down or judge them, but to further understand and become better communicators together. You can ask them the same questions listed above.
Know your Finances and Lifestyle
Facing your finances means understanding what money flows into your home, and what goals and values you have for that money. Money needs to be managed regularly, and we all need to remind ourselves that money management doesn’t happen without intentional behaviour on our part.
Here are a few examples of what you need to take a look at.
- Know when you get paid.
- Know when your bills need to be paid.
- Know what is coming up in the next eight weeks by looking ahead and talking about what are normally “unexpected” expenditures. Plan for them instead of letting them take you by “surprise”.
- Know how much money is in your emergency cushion, and increase it if it is not at your designated limit.
- Know what kind of online tool or system works best for you, your spouse and your family, in keeping track of spending, debt repayment and savings.
Two more things to add
Pray
Bathe your time together in prayer before you start, giving your time and finances to God. Thank Him for everything He has provided. You are richer than you realize, understanding that He truly has given you more than enough. Prayer at the start of your financial date sets your hearts on the right trajectory.
HALT
If you are hungry, angry, feeling lonely or tired, stop! HALT! Don’t talk money. Wait for a better time. Sometimes cancelling your financial date is a good idea if you know it may end in destructive conversation. In that case, rebook that date. Let kindness, not hunger, anger, loneliness or fatigue lead you. In our home, we don’t talk money after 9 p.m. It just creates a poor backdrop for discussion when we should be unwinding from our day and heading to bed with our kids.
Talk money today
Talking money is hard to do, and so often we avoid it: we don’t talk money, and don’t know where to start. That is one reason the coaches and staff at More Than Enough Financial Fitness encourage people to talk about money. We feel so passionately about it that we have named our weekly radio show “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb”! Go to morethanenough.ca to get more information if you need help on your money-talk journey.
Rebecca van Noppen is Communications Director at More Than Enough. She is also a teacher, home educator, writer, and woman who loves to pray. A lover of Jesus, she works alongside her husband Financial Coach Dave van Noppen to help others find hope and freedom in Christ on their financial journeys.