Tongues of fire, waters of kindness: being kinder than necessary

 

Bringing kindness into our marriages, and more specifically into our financial discussions, may seem obvious. But with the current climate of broken marriages in our society, maybe it isn’t.

 

Obvious it may not be, but necessary it must be.

 

In fact,  it may be more than necessary. Kindness, is, in fact, essential to save my marriage, and keep my marriage on a strong footing. And yours too.

 

 

Being kinder than necessary

 

Reading to my children this week, I came across this quote from the book Wonder, by R.J. Palacio. She quoted from another book Under the Eye of the Clock by Christopher Nolan.

 

“It was at moments such as these that Joseph recognized the face of God in human form. It glimmered in their kindness to him, it glowed in their keenness, it hinted in their caring, indeed it caressed in their gaze.”

 

Recognizing the face of God in human form. Just by being kind.  In the book Wonder, Palacio introduces the idea of being kinder than necessary.

 

And I am led to ask the questions:

• What would the world be like, if every single person made it a rule to act a little kinder than necessary?
• What would it look like if we started with our families first?
• What if I started with my spouse?

 

This brings me back to finances, and having money talks with David.

 

For nine years, David and I have been meeting every week for a financial date with the sole purpose of talking about money, along with our goals and dreams for the future. Discussions haven’t always been easy, especially when the supply of funds have dried up, or we have been without wages, as we were for a year.

 

But as we journeyed together every week, with the intentional purpose of seeking God together about our finances, we learned some valuable things:

• Prayer, words of kindness, forgivenessare all at the heart of making these financial discussions hopeful, helpful and full of purpose.

 

David and I weren’t always kind, especially when stressed, tired or feeling like we had somehow failed financially, but with humble hearts and kind words of affirmation, with forgiveness and lots of prayer, we made it through.

 

And that is why I am here to say:

Be kinder than necessary with your words.

Be kinder than necessary with your forgiveness.

Be kinder than necessary when listening to the heart of your spouse.

 

Wise words tell us that kindness from our lives, and from our tongues,  is an antidote to so much of our trouble: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

 

Money, the magnifying glass

These tongues of ours can start fires, and so can the whole topic of money. My husband likes to say that finances are really a magnifying glass to what is going on in our hearts. And when a magnifying glass is set out in the sun, on a very hot day, on a dry patch of grass, we know what can happen. Fire starts.

 

Fire is beautiful. It is powerful. When a fire is lit in the right place, like a woodstove or a campout bonfire, fire is powerful and brings warmth and creates conversation.

 

When it is lit in the wrong place, it brings destruction.

 

Defensiveness, accusation, disappointment, hurt, overspending, or not enough financial margin are among the dynamics at work when we meet to talk with our spouse about money.

 

Unemployment, health problems, schooling, children and many other factors play into our life story and are the foundational issues to the stress we bring into our financial conversations. Sometimes, we know the embers are lying there and we simply avoid the whole subject because we anticipate destructive fire.

 

Waters of kindness

Kind words and actions, however, are like water dousing that fire; a gentle answer turning away wrath. Not easy, but necessary. Being kinder than necessary will douse the sparks that financial conversations bring.

 

This journey of kindness takes:

• Courage
• Prayer
• Forgiveness
• Humility
• A teachable heart

David and I encourage you to drop your gloves at the door, before entering your financial date, and recognize neither of you are perfect but on a journey of kindness, growth, and learning.

 

As Palacio writes in Wonder: “If every person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary – the world really would be a better place. And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.”

 

Rebecca van Noppen is a home educator, teacher, writer, More Than Enough blogger, who happens to be married to a financial coach. She is a lover of Jesus, who is on a journey of surrender, kindness, and generosity.