One of the deepest needs of a human heart is the need to be loved and this is no less true in our finances. The more secure we feel in our relationships the easier it is to talk about money. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, views our love languages as an important facet of our financial identity.
A love language is a way in which we receive love. In Dr. Chapman’s book, he defines how we receive love in five very specific ways:
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Physical Touch
3) Quality Time
4) Receiving Gifts
5) Acts of Service
If you would like to find out what your love language is you can take a free quiz on Dr. Chapman’s website by selecting this link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.
Understanding how these love languages impact your relationship with others can create a freedom in communication and even some practical ways to save money. Thus, an important step in learning to communicate through financial difficulty is in knowing how to express love to someone. So how do you figure out your spouse’s love language?
Here are three ways to help you discover your spouses love language:
How do they love?
Watch how they express love to others. Do they have a coffee with a friend, buy gifts? Do they glow when people do something thoughtful for them? It is important to evaluate how someone expresses love because most often it is how they wish to receive it.
Why is this important?
Learning how someone loves will make us more sensitive to their needs. If your spouse is constantly buying gifts for others, despite a lack of means, you can more sensitively address their desire to express love to others from that perspective.
What do they complain about?
Complaints can feel like an attack but in reality they are cries for love. The things which cause strife and animosity are good indicators of what is important to that person.
Why is this important?
When you are talking about finances the anger and frustration can come out in the form of complaints. Rather than seeing these complaints as an attack on you, they are a request for love.
What do they ask you most often for?
Is it gifts, time alone? Do they gripe over chores and constantly ask for you to perform menial tasks? Become a student of how those around you want to be loved. The communication and security will follow once you begin loving your spouse, regardless of their behaviour.
Why is this important?
Many of us do not make financial communication a priority because it can result in conflict. Expressing our own needs and seeing the needs of our spouse will make communication through the difficult conversations less stressful. The impossible becomes easier because there is security in the relationship.
After discovering your spouse’s love language it is important to set up a weekly financial date. This date is not the time to get out the boxing gloves. Address the heart issues which underlie your spending decisions and once you know how your spouse receives love, you will be better equipped to communicate with them.