Gail Vaz-Oxlade quote from her book Money Talks – When to Say Yes and How to Say No
“The idea that money is the leading cause of problems in relationships is routinely repeated in the media. More than sex, more than children or in-laws, money is cited as the most common area of conflict. It’s not the money. Nope. It’s not. Money is the medium of exchange, that’s all. It’s what we use to complete our transactions. So money isn’t the problem.
We are the problem. How we behave – what we do with our money and how we communicate about that behaviour – is at the root of most of the challenges we face with, and blame on, money.
There are people who want to maintain power over others. There are people who want to be in control. There are people who are willing to use guilt to get what they want. And there are people who do not want to take responsibility for their own lives. All this – and so much more – is reflected in what we do with our money.
We can use money to demonstrate affection. We can use money to exhibit pride. We can use money as a measure of success or failure. We can blame our lack of money for what we have not achieved. We can look at others’ abundance and be jealous of what they have. But the problem isn’t the money. Money isn’t at the root of whatever it is that’s gone wrong or right, no matter how often we may say it is. Our unwillingness to tell the truth, to really communicate how we feel – that’s the problem.” (Vaz-Oxlade, 2)
Money Communication
In our world of talking, advertising, fast-paced living, and increasing debt-to-income ratios, why do we want to add to everyone’s pile of excess information? We could probably all agree that we are overloaded.
At More Than Enough however, we are willing to add our voice to the pile in hopes that some nuggets will grab your attention, and you will be inspired to start talking about your money and finances with your spouse, children, family and friends.
What is Communication?
Communication is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. It is a means of connecting people and places, and happens through writing, words, body language, and tone of voice. But an important piece of communication is listening – that means not talking so you can hear not only the words, but the heart of what others are saying. When it comes to money, LISTENING is KEY, because it can be such an explosive issue for people.
Money is Not the Problem!
Money is not the problem. Money is a tool. As financial writer Gail Vaz-Oxlade says, “The idea that money is the leading cause of problems in relationships is routinely repeated in the media. More than sex, more than children or in-laws, money is cited as the most common area of conflict. It’s not the money. Nope. It’s not. Money is the medium of exchange, that’s all. It’s what we use to complete our transactions. So money isn’t the problem. We are the problem. How we behave – what we do with our money and how we communicate about that behaviour – is at the root of most of the challenges we face with, and blame on, money. (from her book Money Talks – When to Say Yes and How to Say No)
At More Than Enough, we agree that our behaviour, our emotions, and communication (or lack of it) about money are the problem.
Reason One – We Need to Connect
One of the most important reasons to talk about money is because we are so disconnected from our money. Years ago, we were a cash society: we didn’t make a purchase unless we had the cash in hand. But in the mid-1900s with the coming of the credit card, our society started to turn away from cash, toward an increased reliance on credit for living. When we are not connected to our money and use plastic to pay instead of cash, we don’t feel the pain of spending. We don’t have the restraint in spending as a result because we aren’t holding our hard-earned-dollars in our hands.
Try it and you will see. The next time you are going shopping leave your credit cards at home. Take only cash and spend only the cash in your hand. Then let us know, if you were as easy to part with your money, as when you use a credit card or even your debit card. Go to morethanenough.ca or our More Than Enough Facebook page and leave a comment, telling us how that went.
Connection is also important because automated banking has made us less aware of when money is coming and going in our bank accounts. We need to be talking in our homes about how we spend, when we spend, and why we are spending, so we have a full understanding of what is happening in our finances.
Reason Two – Currency is Not Static
Circumstances and money are always moving – like a river’s current. Money does not stand still, and there are always moving targets of bills, payments and unexpected emergencies that you need to talk about, and be aware of. Whether health issues arise and you lose your job, or hydro rates increase, or someone gives you a car and now insurance expenses increase, the issues of life keep moving and our finances need to meet that movement. Open conversation is essential to handle this current of life and money.
Reason Three – Unity
While behaviour around money, and how we communicate about the behaviour, is a great cause of division in marriages and family, the opposite is also true. When you start learning to communicate with your spouse and family about money issues, more and more unity is developed. Unity is about wholeness. Talking about finances, and working through related conflicts that do arise, is a part of bringing unity and wholeness to our lives.
Financial writer Howard Dayton says it is important for husbands and wives to agree on financial decisions: They both will experience the consequences. Even if their choice proves to be disastrous, their agreement protects their relationship by leaving no grounds for an “I told you so” response. When a couple seeks each other’s advice, they actually are communicating, “I love you. I respect you. I value your insight. (Money and Marriage God’s Way p.65-66)
At More Than Enough, our financial coaches want you to be connected to your money and conversation about money. They want you to understand that life happens, and your money will follow a meandering path if you don’t have a handle on your money and tell it where to go. Our coaching staff would also tell you that unity in your marriages and homes – that is wholeness – is a huge reason why you need to start talking money.
Rebecca van Noppen is Communications Director at More Than Enough. She is also a teacher, home educator, writer, and woman who loves to pray. A lover of Jesus, she works alongside her husband Financial Coach Dave van Noppen to help others find hope and freedom in Christ on their financial journeys.