By Rebecca van Noppen
Podcast co-host of “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb”, and co-owner of More Than Enough Financial
Processing money decisions, and communicating about those decisions, is not always easy. In the next few weeks, Rebecca looks at how we process money issues, and how we listen to one another in the process.
When it comes to money questions, or any issues that need to be discussed, solved and decided around money management, do you like to think them through first, or do you need another person to talk them through?
Let me give you an example.
Your car battery is becoming more and more untrustworthy. In the cold eastern Ontario winter, it sometimes gets your car moving and sometimes doesn’t. Let’s say you are nine months pregnant and about to give birth. And then your husband, who is an automotive technician, doesn’t do anything to change the battery. In fact, he doesn’t even tell you why he won’t change it. He is definitely processing the decision inwardly. Is it a money issue? Is it stubbornness? Does he trust the battery and you don’t understand the workings of the vehicle?
You are increasingly troubled that if you go into labour, you won’t be able to get to the hospital. You voice your concerns, but still don’t get an adequate response. There is no explanation forthcoming. To cope, you start vocalizing this problem to others (external processing). You feel like you need someone to hear and offer help! You are so vocal about this problem that a client at the automotive shop where your husband works, hears your concerns, and offers you his truck.
Yes, this is our story.
I was pregnant with our first child, Mercedes. I was two-weeks overdue, and the nights dropped to -30 degrees celsius. For whatever reason I still don’t understand, Dave didn’t change the battery on the car but brought the client’s truck home instead. Sure enough at 5 a.m. the morning of January 29th, our car didn’t start and he had to lift me into the truck to get me to the hospital. We arrived safe and sound, and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 9:50 a.m.
Today, I know I would tell David my thoughts, fears, and concerns more clearly and succinctly. Today, David would also think about what he wants to do and then tell me, maybe with some good questions to prompt him. Today – and together – we likely would make the decision to change the battery. Today, looking back at that experience, I understand we had no idea how to communicate about what and how we were processing.
Gaining better understanding
I am reading a delightful research book about money and relationships called thriving in love & money written by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, relationship researchers from the United States. They spent three years with their team researching, interviewing people, and collecting data for this project around money communication.
They discovered some interesting things about how couples process, and how they listen to each other. As the Feldhahns have learned, and as we have seen at More Than Enough, “it’s not about the money”. Problems often begin with how we process money issues, how we understand that processing, and how we communicate this information.
Internal/External
In their book, the Feldhahns outline the different ways people process. As they have discovered, male and female brains tend toward opposite processing styles. (see chapter 6) In their Decision Analyst Survey, they learned that 69 per cent of men went “underground” to think things through. In other words, they silently think things through all the options and the ramifications of those options (163, Feldhahns). This also means that they would not talk about it at all until they had formed a conclusion. To their partner this may look like avoidance. While many women also process internally, a woman’s brain is geared to “mental multitasking, including processing and talking about thoughts and feelings all at the same time.” (165, Feldhahns) The Feldhahns discovered that in many cases, what one spouse does internally, the other is doing externally.
If we understand these processing patterns and learn how people want to think through the issues, this can give us a leg up in our financial conversations.
So how are you processing?
I think it is important to understand how you are processing – whether internally or externally. While the Feldhahns’s research shows a strong male/female disposition to certain kinds of processing, women can be internal processors and vice versa.
Tips and tricks
- Think about how you process, and then talk about how you process money issues when you are not in a money-tense situation. This will create a foundation and understanding for future conversations.
- If you process internally and if time allows, ask for time – let’s say 24 hours – to think it through.
- Once the internal processor has taken the time, realize the external processor will still need to talk it through. What one of you has done on the inside, the other needs to do outwardly. It is important to remember that as an internal processor you also need to be flexible as you discuss the issue together.
(For more suggestions see chapter 6 of the Feldhahns’s book.)
Understanding processing style is an important part of communicating about money. Next week we will look at how we listen. Listening too, is crucial in creating understanding and avoiding conflict in financial conversations.