By Rebecca van Noppen
Podcast co-host of “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb”, and co-owner of More Than Enough Financial
“Listen to me!”
It was something I said and yelled often in my family of adults. I grew up the youngest of seven children – arriving much later than the rest – and our dinner conversations were always lively and loud.
Yelling to be heard. What a crazy idea. But it was the only way that I, as a child, could be heard above the din of adult conversation, or so I thought. I wanted to be heard.
I still want to be heard.
Today, as a 51-year-old mom with loud children of my own, I recognize the significance of those times – demanding to be heard. In fact, my youngest, our 9-year-old daughter Serena, reverts to the same words and decibel levels when all eight of us are gathered around the table. She wants to be heard. In such a large family with competing opinions, jokes, laughter and ideas, it seems the only plausible way for her to sneak into a conversation is to shout!
In reflecting on that phrase – “Listen to Me!”, and looking at my growth over the years, I am aware that we all want to be heard. We want to be seen. We want to be validated. We want to participate in healthy conversations and have input into the lives of others. I think that’s how we are wired in community.
But I realize that if I want to be heard, I also need to listen. I need to listen well to others so that our community can be healthy, supportive, understanding, and strong, even when we disagree. This kind of listening is crucial in money conversations, especially in marriages and families.
Do you listen? How do you listen?
Would you call yourself an attentive listener? Would your family or friends say that you listen well?
If we pay attention to ourselves, I am sure we can answer those questions honestly. If not – just go ask someone who knows you. I know I am not such a great listener when I am trying to cook dinner, or when I am tired, when I’m reading a good book and I don’t want to be interrupted, or when my people quota for the day has hit its limit. I don’t even act like I’m listening sometimes, and the conversation usually grinds to a halt!
But no matter how I am feeling or what my day has been like, I know that I need to put down my phone, and turn away from my computer, and give the people in my life the attention they need, want, deserve. Listening well doesn’t always suit my agenda, but it’s always good.
Tips and Tricks
- If you recognize you aren’t listening, stop what you are doing, look the person in the eye and apologize. “I’m sorry I am a bit distracted today. I really want to hear what you are saying so do you mind telling me more?”
- Once you are aware you aren’t listening, START LISTENING. Focus on the person you are with and pay attention. Put down, or walk away from, what is distracting you from being attentive.
- Commit to listen and not interrupt when your friend or partner is speaking. Wait until they are finished, and then respond. Ask a question. Be curious. Don’t tell your own stories and make the conversation about you.
Next week, we will dig deeper into listening to emotions first – before offering solutions to problems – and how this idea of listening will help you in financial conversations.