By Rebecca van Noppen
Podcast co-host of “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb”, and co-owner of More Than Enough Financial
The last few weeks, we looked at how we process decisions – either externally or internally – and how learning to listen to the feelings of others in the decision-making process is an important piece of communication. This week we will look at the significant act of listening to the dreams of others in light of our finances.
With our four children all under the age of eight, planning activities or a date night was often a challenge. Between finding babysitters, preparing meals to leave behind, or thinking about what to wear, getting out the door on a date often took administrative genius.
One night, Dave shared some ideas about what he wanted to do on our next outing.
My response? Within a minute of casting his bread on the uncertain waters of Reb’s reaction, I had shot the whole thing down. In my external processing and quick analysis of what and when he wanted this date, I told him all the things wrong with his plan – from cost, to food, to finding a babysitter.
His response? And I remember His words clearly: “Why is it that when you have an idea we pursue it and live it out, but when I have an idea you shoot it down, and you don’t give what I want a chance?!”
I couldn’t respond. Until I thought about it later, I didn’t realize what I was doing. In a small way I was killing his dream, and that was about just one date night. Would I do that with bigger dreams?
As Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn have helped us see the past few weeks in their book thriving in love & money, we fail to communicate well about money because we don’t understand how we process money tensions, and we don’t know how to listen either. For women in particular this is an issue when it comes to our partner’s dreams often involving finances, like owning a mustang, buying a sailboat and navigating the globe, or simply wanting to buy a new snowblower.
“Ladies, here’s what we don’t realize. Our men have something they deeply want us to listen to as well: their “blue-sky” dreams of the future…But because this usually involves money (and may sound crazy!), we often do exactly what we get annoyed at our husbands for: We get all analytical…The thing is, in most cases, all our man is doing is dreaming out loud with the most important person in his life and hoping we will dream with him.” (183, Feldhahns)
Learning to Listen
I have had to learn to listen. And listening means NOT SPEAKING. For me listening means waiting to respond. Listening also means waiting, reflecting, and asking some good questions about how serious he is about the dream. Listening means taking a deep breath when I feel anxiety coming on me because of the scope of what he is saying.
Listening to him is loving him. I know I don’t want to be a dream killer. I want to be a dream builder, and that means loving him by listening well.
Tips and Tricks
After David pointed out to me that I tended to squash his ideas, I started a new practise.
- When he presented a dream or idea, I would listen.
- I intentionally did not respond in the immediate few minutes following hearing his ideas. The analysis about how his ideas could or couldn’t work still fly through my brain, but I wait to respond. I pause. I breathe. I reflect.
- Depending on the conversation, I ask questions instead of giving opinions. Or I simply say “can we think about this? I like the idea overall, but the details are bogging me down right now.”
As we have grown together, he understands me better, and I understand him. We have talked out the differences, the fears and the frustrations, and it has only improved our money conversations.