By Hope Van Noppen, with Amanda Van Noppen
| “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”1 Brené Brown |
“How can you fix this mistake when the mistake is you?” This is the thing that shame whispers, or rather yells quite loudly, in my head as I stand facing the consequences of my mistakes. Even the choices of others can spark feelings of shame within me. Either way it brings a cycle of feelings I don’t always know how to deal with.
There is no denying that sometimes I’m the one at fault, but instead of acknowledging my own role, I freeze and deny everything. Shame paralyzes. It also feels like I have no choice but to hide from others or at least cover up my actions. Over and over I do this, but why?
This experience is quite common, especially when trying to face your financial spending. Shame is a scary emotion that can be produced when we do something we feel guilty about or when someone around us does something to us that feels bad. At its core, shame says, “if someone knew this they would no longer want to be with me, know me, or love me.”
Financially-related shame shows up in all kinds of ways. Maybe we grew up in poverty and our embarrassment of where we lived kept us from having friends over. Maybe we overspent our budget and felt like we had to lie to our spouse to cover it up. There are all kinds of scenarios that keep us in shame’s grip. Whatever the reason, shame acts the same in finances as it does anywhere else. It tells you to hide, run, flee. Don’t let anyone know.
There is no denying the desire to hide and melt away when faced with shame. The question is: how do we become accountable for our behavior when we have made a mistake or when our life circumstances feel so shameful we want to hide our life from others? Thankfully, there are action steps to pull you out of these shame cycles!
Five Steps to Facing Shame
- Name the Shame
- Notice when you are experiencing shame over a decision and name it, even saying it out loud. If you can, try to identify how the emotion feels for you and what might be triggering it.
- Depersonalize the Shame
- Imagine taking the shame out of your body and looking at it. Make the shame separate from your identity. This means changing wording from “I am the mistake” to “I made a mistake”.
- Reinterpret the Shame
- Meet the shame with empathy, and do not try to hide it away or ignore it. Facing shame is not easy, so acknowledge the effort you’re taking to do this.
- Talk about the Shame
- Find someone who feels safe and can meet you with empathy as you talk about what you have done. Empathy is an important part of facing shame. According to Brené Brown, “Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding.”
- Take Action
- Make a plan. Is there a time or a place that you need to create for these conversations around shame? How will you move forward now with the mistake? What plans can you make to prevent making the same mistakes over again? If you feel shame about your current life, what areas of stigma need to be explored?
While facing shame can be frightening at first, it provides an opportunity to identify where your emotional needs aren’t being met and alerts you to areas of your life that are preventing you from facing your financial story. A great, safe place for this conversation can be a friend, partner, or family member. Your financial date may just be the place to start!
Hope van Noppen is Dave and Reb’s 20-something daughter who is helping Reb with writing and radio work this spring!
Psychotherapist Amanda Van Noppen spoke about freedom from shame on “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb”, episode #378. To hear the full podcast, visit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGnta6tXRdo or listen to the episode wherever you get your podcasts.