Dr. Beth Anne van Noppen, with Rebecca van Noppen
Managing money on a good day can be stressful, but adding Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to the mix, can create additional challenges. On last week’s episode of “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb,” Dr. Beth Anne van Noppen of Eastern Ontario, a specialist with young ADHD patients, outlines the challenges, but also the hope and practical tools that can help people overcome financial strain. Today, Dr. van Noppen encourages people walking alongside individuals with ADHD.
I want to encourage you. There is hope. You can manage your money. You can find the help you need. All is not lost. In a recent podcast discussion with Dave and Reb, I gave some encouragement and tips for managing money when you have ADHD. But what about the spouses, partners, families and friends walking alongside them?
There is hope for you too.
What can you do?
- Learn about ADHD. It’s not that your spouse is deliberately ignoring you or disrespecting you. It’s really a brain wiring issue rather than a moral issue.
- Be patient. I know. Easier said than done. But patience is important and creates a space for love, communication and learning.
- Stand together. In marriage, it is a partnership. You are a team. Use each other’s strengths and focus on those. If you are good at something, and not good at another, share the responsibilities. If you can manage the money because your partner isn’t strong in that area because of ADHD, then take that responsibility.
- Communicate. Talk about how your parents handled money. If your spouse has ADHD the chance is very high that one of his or her parents had ADHD. One friend told me that she never learned how to save money, or that it was even an option. Talk with others, you are not alone.
- Have hope. People with ADHD can learn to manage money. They need to be taught and they need support in many cases, and finding people who can walk with them in their finances can be an important part of that hope. Financial coaches, counsellors, and planning advisors are professionals you can connect with to walk alongside you.
- Encourage your spouse. When they do something well that you know they struggle with, take notice and praise them for it. Even when they don’t do it well, acknowledge the effort and keep encouraging. Remember why you married them. Tell each other again and again, what you appreciate about each other. This is an important part of your relationship, and financial journey together.
- Join a support group. There are partner support groups that you can be a part of to give you the support you need, as you support your partner with ADHD. Being in community is a big part of overcoming some of these adversities.
The Words of Jesus
In all of these things I keep remembering the words of Christ in Matthew 6:34: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.” (MSG)
This is the way of many people who are diagnosed with ADHD. They live in the moment. They struggle to plan for the future, have difficulty focusing, and often say or do things before thinking them through. In a lot of ways, folks with ADHD are better at living in the moment than the “neurotypicals.” I wonder sometimes if this isn’t what God intended for us: to live in the moment with Him. This is what people with ADHD know how to do.
I often tell anxious people they are the most courageous people I know because they have to overcome fears many of us know nothing about. In the same way, people with ADHD are the most resilient and persistent people I know. They live in a society where they don’t fit in. They often fail, but they keep getting up, trying again and again.
Compassion
Two passages run through my head when I think about how we care for people with ADHD. In them, Jesus calls us to have compassion, and warns us about the self-righteousness of the Pharisees.
“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” (Matthew 9:36, NIV)
And later, He says in Matthew 23:4 that the shepherds “tie up heavy cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them”. (NIV)
When walking with others, we may have the tendency to take pride in our abilities. Like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day, we can be self-righteous and look down at folks who are different, rolling our eyes and offering simple solutions that are naive and unhelpful. These “solutions” make others feel they just need to be better or try harder. On top of that, we can also spiritualize the issue, creating guilt in people. We make others feel that they simply don’t measure up. Words like: “you need more faith”, or “your spending habits, debt, and lack of organization and time management are sinful.”
This is simply not helpful.
We truly need to take Christ’s word and warnings to heart, because maybe…just maybe…it’s not about not having enough faith, but more about how we are wired. It is time to walk in compassion, carrying each other’s burdens. It is time to stop comparing ourselves to others, thinking we are better than others because of how we manage our money.
Remember, as the great comedian Robin Williams once said, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind, always.”
Listen to the February 25, 2022 episode of “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb” to hear more of their conversation.