It is time for that date, and not just any date!
It is time to sit down with your spouse and start talking money. Money can be an inflammable topic that we want to avoid at all costs, but avoidance will not make money issues go away.
Kindness, financial dates and the obvious
Having financial discussions has not always come easy to David and me. At the beginning of our marriage, David gave the handling of money to me. It worked for the most part, but within the last decade we have made changes by pursuing intentional financial conversation together. We are learning to have healthy, productive, conversations with one another, sharing goals and dreams, and making plans to get there, financially.
After 24 years of marriage, we are both glad we have made this change. It has removed stress and strengthened our relationship. I no longer carry the responsibility for the running of our day-to-day finances, nor do I care to. It is freeing to share the load and have a common purpose.
Sharing the load
There are some practical helps David and I have discovered along the way to help us get started communicating, and stay communicating.
Be intentional
Set a regular time in your week to sit down and talk about money. We call it a financial date. Put it in the calendar like a dentist appointment, and don’t cancel! This is the first step to getting you headed in the right direction. You want to plan your life together, not apart.
Recognize
You aren’t perfect and neither is your spouse. Leave your accusations and boxing gloves at the door, and come into your date with humility, understanding, kindness and forgiveness. (See May 29 blog: Tongues of Fire, Waters of Kindness: Being Kinder than Necessary)
Pray
Bathe your time together in prayer before you start, giving your time and finances to God. Thank Him for everything He has provided. You are richer than you realize, understanding that He truly has given More Than Enough. Prayer at the start of your financial date sets your hearts on the right trajectory.
HALT
David heard this great acronym early in our financial dating years: HALT. If you are hungry, angry, feeling lonely or tired, stop! HALT!. Don’t talk money. Wait for a better time. I know I just said that cancelling your financial date is a bad idea, but life happens and sometimes cancelling your date is the only option. In that case, rebook that date. Let kindness, not hunger, anger, loneliness or fatigue lead you. In our home, we don’t talk money after 9 p.m. It just creates a poor backdrop for discussion when we should be unwinding from our day and heading to bed with our kids.
Tools
Finding what tools work for both of you is also important. David and I work with an eight week spreadsheet, along with a pencil and paper. The spreadsheet is David’s tool, and the pencil-and paper-current-reality of our bank account is mine. We have made them work together. Some online tools you can check out, include: “Envelopes” or “You Need a Budget”. David also recommends using the envelope system – yes, this means “actual” envelopes.
Remember: don’t get discouraged in this process of finding what works for you. It may take trying two or three tools before finding the one that suits best.
Talk money today
Many couples don’t talk money, and don’t know where to start. That is one reason David and I do what we do: sharing our journey and story at More Than Enough, so that others can find hope and freedom, with a practical plan.
So go out and be intentional!
Plan that date.
Recognize your limits and be kind.
Talk and pray.
Find the tools that help make your money “behave”.
Note: Though this blog is aimed at couples, some of the principals apply to singles. You can make intentional time to look at your finances. You can pray and be kind to yourself when it comes to financial decisions, recognizing you are not perfect. You can also find the tools you need to help make your money behave. Finding a financial coach or accountability friend can also help. Call More Than Enough for further help and information.
Rebecca van Noppen is a home educator, teacher, writer, and More Than Enough blogger, who happens to be married to a financial coach. A lover of Jesus, she is on a journey of surrender, kindness, and generosity.