By Rebecca van Noppen
Podcast co-host of “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb”, and co-owner of More Than Enough Financial
I want to be heard. I want to listen well. I want to be a part of a strong community that hears, forgives, and offers strength and courage to others. I want to be a partner to my spouse that can “rumble” through hard financial times, decisions and discussions, as part of the greater purpose of offering strength to our family and community.
“Listen to me!” was the phrase I cried out over the din of family meals as a child. I wanted to be heard over the tidal wave of eight other adult voices. Today, that phrase means so much more as I silently and internally cry “listen to me” in a world full of distractions. So often, I want David, my kids, or my friends to hear what the words don’t often express: “Listen to my tears, my questions, my confusion. I feel afraid, angry, hurt. This financial uncertainty is hard so how will this financial decision affect our future?”
Listen First to my Emotions
“Listen to me” often means I want you to hear my emotions first, before offering up solutions to the problems I am sharing. According to Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn in their book thriving in love & money, this is a woman “thing”. In one of the surveys they conducted, 91 per cent of women want their spouses to “listen to my feelings first.” (182, Feldhahns)
I love how clearly they explain this, because it puts into words something I have known about myself but haven’t been able to express.
Here is what the Feldhahns write directly to husbands: “Your wife isn’t just verbally processing the problem. If she’s like the vast majority of women, she’s trying to process her feelings about the problem. She’s all stirred up. Most women can’t easily process their feelings on their own. So yes, she may indeed be talking in circles – because you aren’t listening well! By focusing on solutions, you keep short-circuiting her efforts to process her feelings!” (180, Feldhahns)
My Mother’s Listening Skills
I remember my high school days as student council president at Eden Christian College. I would come home and often ‘vent’ to my mom about the joys and sorrows of relationships, decisions, or lack of student involvement. She said very little while I spoke, laughed, or cried – I imagine she learned to listen like that when my Dad would “unburden” himself during his political days in office. Anyway, the listening she gave me was exactly what I needed.
I felt seen. I felt heard. I was given a safe place to let out my emotions.
Fast forward to married life where Dave and I have had to learn to listen to each other like that.
I remember coming home from a town council meeting when I was a reporter for The Chieftain, located in Iroquois, Ontario, a small town on the shores of the St.Lawrence River. There was one councillor in particular that challenged me. He would say things or encourage decisions that didn’t make sense to me. He would butt heads with others, and not represent constituent viewpoints. I came home late one night ranting frustration. Dave was already set up with a book in bed, and as he heard me, he offered solutions. I “not so kindly” told him “to stop telling me what to do.” I didn’t want his answers, I just wanted him to listen.
Today, I realize I just wanted a safe place to vocalize my frustrations and fears, uncertainties and insecurities about how I was doing my job. That night, Dave likely just wanted a quick resolution so he could keep reading or go to sleep. Who could blame him for that?
What We Learned
That was the beginning of learning to listen to each other, and listen well. We are still learning how to do this communication dance, but it gets better and better. I vent. He listens. I get feisty. He still listens. We are learning to listen to emotions as well as firm details. We are also learning to voice the fears, questions, and anxieties behind the issues. We are learning to look for solutions together.
When it comes to money, this listening skill is crucial. Sometimes I just get afraid. I see our bank account near empty with a bill to pay, and fear rises. But that fear can come out as anger and it doesn’t sound or feel nice. When we talk through the emotion of what is causing us fear or anxiety, we gain clarity, and the “emotion” of the situation is no longer leading us into disagreements, or decisions that may lead to further trouble.
Tips and Tricks
- HALT – if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, let your spouse, child or others know that this isn’t a good time to talk about money. Choose a time within the next day that works for both of you. Then you are setting yourself up for listening and talking with clarity and hope.
- Understand that you need to listen to the “feelings first”. Ask good questions and draw out the discussion, offering empathy, making sure the other person knows they are being heard.
- Pray together. While praying before the discussion is good, sometimes high emotions keep us from that headspace. Make sure you end in prayer together, offering up the conversation to God, asking Him for solutions if needed.
Next week we tackle one more aspect of listening – we want to listen to dreams that come with money conversations. We don’t want to be dream killers, but dream builders!