Amanda Van Noppen
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), MA, RP, CCC
(Amanda Van Noppen was a guest on “Let’s Talk Money with Dave and Reb” episode #367. She graciously added more of her thoughts and tips here to help us stay in our windows of tolerance as we navigate our financial journeys.)
Money can make us feel insecure, bring up bad memories, and create anxiety and stress about the future. All of these might make us want to fight those around us, flee from the problem, or just numb out of the feelings.
The problem is, these tendencies can actually make money problems worse. Instead of solving the issue at hand or making a plan, we tend to avoid/procrastinate or increase conflict that can only make the stress worse.
Before we get there—staying within our window
The window of tolerance is a way to describe when we feel in control of ourselves and when we are not. Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Dan Siegel who created the term calls it the “optimal zone of ‘arousal’ for a person to function in everyday life”. When we are out of our window of tolerance we can feel out of control or impulsive and utilise the more survival side of our brain: fight, flight, or freeze. This might feel like getting angry at a drop of a hat or disconnecting from everything around us.
A lot of times money can create stress or anxiety that can make our window of tolerance disappear. Think about your own situation. Have you ever suddenly yelled at your partner when they bring up a bill? Or have you ever felt the need to watch hours of TV instead of looking at your credit card balance?
Fight. Flight. Freeze.
So what do we do when we feel our window of tolerance narrowing or disappearing all together? There are a few things we can think and do that are good for our minds and bodies. Try these the next time you feel yourself getting overwhelmed.
a) Build awareness and communicate to yourself and others! Sometimes just telling your spouse “hey, I’m at my window of tolerance, I’m sorry if I’m extra snappy today” can help a lot.
b) Practise calming your system. Here’s some tips that help with that:
- Take deep calm long breaths, aim for breathing from your stomach not your chest
- Take a cold or hot shower
- Make a cup of tea or drink some warm water
- Take a walk outside
- Engage in physical contact with your partner
- Stretch your body
- Make long eye contact with your partner (aim for 10 seconds)
- Turn the lights lower and loud sounds off, limiting interruptions
- Make sure you’ve eaten today
- Take a short nap
- Delegate tasks and ask for help
- Pet your pet
- Work out
- Put a weighted blanket—or just a heavy blanket—across your body
- Sing your favourite song
- Go outside and find the sun
- Stay off social media and don’t read the news
By practising these skills you will help calm your body and move it back into your optimal zone for making decisions and planning. The other thing you’ll do is actually expand your window of tolerance. Every time we face something stressful or anxiety provoking and we’re able to calm our body, it teaches our brain to be less scared or upset the next time. This is powerful when we think about how we want to avoid stressful situations, be able to face them, and have a sense of control.
(To learn more about Amanda, go to https://vannoppentherapy.com/ Or on instagram: vannoppenpsychotherapy)