What do you in the deadness of your flesh, in your life of surrender to Him, when you have left all to follow Him, but you don’t see God answering prayers the way you thought He would? You long to serve Him. You long to live the stories you read in Scripture, but where you find yourself is anywhere but there, or where you think you should be.

He doesn’t seem to answer. Or care. But you know that is not true.

So you keep pursuing and seeking, trusting and obeying. Because you know the promise – that when we seek God, He will be found, when we seek Him with ALL of our hearts.

For twelve years, our journey at More Than Enough – of learning God’s wisdom around finances and our hearts – has been a daily journey of discovery, seeking, tears and joy.

I remember the day David came home and told me he was going to be a financial coach, and help our friend Lynn Fraser develop a coaching system to help people get out of debt. I remember because it was the last place of work or “ministry” I would ever have wanted to be.

Yet, it has been this journey that has uncovered by heart’s desires for worldly pursuits and possessions, and it has been this journey that has drawn me to the heart of God, again and again, deeper and deeper. It has aligned my heart and whole being, again and again to the principle of seeking first His Kingdom, of laying up for myself treasure in heaven not on earth.

The past nine months in particular have felt both like death and new life – death of my will but life also as I surrender to His will.

Out of this season, and a recent teaching I heard about the seed of the Kingdom being within each of us, I wrote the following piece of prose. This is my little piece of thanksgiving to the Triune God who loves me, and also I hope, my piece of encouragement to you, to not stop seeking God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength.

Lift your Eyes Up

I have lifted my eyes to the hills.

I have looked for help.

But help has not come.

I have planted seeds.

I have loved much.

I have wept in darkness.

I have been crushed by love.

The seed that is within me.

The seed of life.

The seed that teaches me a better way.

Means death.

Darkness.

Loneliness.

Struggle.

To even breathe.

Seeds bear fruit in their deadness.

Falling to the ground.

Not looking for soil.

If it is found, seeds are stamped out.

Buried. Hidden.

But then.

Only in the utter deadness

Darkness –

Is life found.

Achingly sprouted.

Punching through the deadness.

Growing down. Pushing up.

It takes earth.

And water.

And soil.

And

The Gardener.

The One who was to bring help.

Is now here. Seen. No longer hidden.

Tending the tenderest single shoot

Sprouting forth

The seed of the Gardener’s Kingdom

Small, insignificant.

But the potential.

To grow. To provide shade.

The nesting place of birds to come.

I had only heard of this Gardener.

But now.

My eyes have seen.

And I understand –

Even a bruised reed He does not break.

Now

I lift my eyes to the hills.

Where does my help come from?

Behold.

The voice of my Beloved!

He comes leaping upon the mountains

Skipping upon the hills

Like a gazelle

And the voice of my Beloved speaks:

“Rise up, my love, my fair one.

Come away.

Death is done. Winter past.

It is time for you to sing.”

I lift my eyes to the hills.

And I see

My help comes from You –

My Gardener. My Seed-Giver. My Lover. My Creator King.

Rebecca van Noppen

May 9, 2019